Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Monday, January 11, 2010

Just For Laughes - Local version



Details Of Telecast

Title: Just For Laughs Gags Asia Channel: Mediacorp Channel 5 & HD5

Date: Starts 12 Jan 2010.

Episode 1 (Premiere Time): 9.00PM – 9.30PM

Description: Tune in to the world premiere of Just For Laughs Gags Asia – Made In Singapore on Channel 5! Get set to laugh out loud with bone tickling gags and priceless reaction from your fellow Singaporeans.

Happy Laughing!!

No more Ang Mohs but Ah Nehs, Mats and Cinas.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Just for Laughes

While shopping for vacation clothes, Musa and Sahsa passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" Sahsa asked.

"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied, "you'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Just for laughes

This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men. One is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The other is sawing an imaginary piece of wood. The doctor approaches the man who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.

'I'm sawing wood,' the man replies.

'And what's your friend doing?' the doctor asks.

'Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb.'

'Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down? The blood is rushing to his head.'

'What, and work in the dark?'

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Just for Laughes

Shamus and Musa fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Musa said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Musa replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Musa replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Musa said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Musa - I don't think I can do any more ofthis. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Musa said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Just for laughes

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, noballs, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Just for Laughes

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Laughter is the best medicine

Hope the following article works wonders for you.

Why Singlish is better? Use Singlish. It's so much cheaper, shorter, faster.

Why do we insist on using the Queen's English, whenSinglish is so much more economical and effective?Compare and see!

When going shopping...Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. S'poreans: No Stock!

When returning a call...Britons : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? S'poreans: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? S'poreans: Siam lai! or Siam, hor! or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. S'poreans: no need lah

When asking for permission...Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can pass or Not?

When asking to be excused...Britons : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would onlytake a moment. S'poreans: Go toilet. Buay tahan ahh.....

When entertaining...Britons : Please make yourself right at home. S'poreans: Don't shy shy lah..

When doubting someone...Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money. S'poreans: Got meh?

When deciding on a plan of action...Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's soldout & all the restaurants are closed? S'poreans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand whereyou're coming from, but I really have to disagree withwhat you said about the policy. S'poreans: Talk cock lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here. S'poreans: Eh, Tiam leh!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you? S'poreans: See what see?!

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Just for Laughes

1) A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form.
He had gone to DELHI for filling up.
U know y?

FORM say " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

2) Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?

3) Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth....... ......... .
WHY? because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Just for Laughes

This is hilarious..... even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numbers, which is exclusive only to Singaporeans.

Musa was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-even and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Pathetic Singaporeans

Why he escapes we need not know
Give us the evidence his escape spook
We will consider the case closed
But they had only wayang shows
The dragon can even go merry go round
While the country is being laugh aloud
The world is watching as to how
These first class leaders play their drums
He calls himself leader, I call him clown
Just look at his face in news broadcast
Pathetic is this nation with him around
Soberer still when his father hounds
The risk of the nation they play null
They are busy robbing our funds
Busier still as UBS sounds alarm
His ding dong is bouncing upside down

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Just for Laughes

A lady walks into a very upscale jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas.

Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident. Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very professional, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of thislovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Voted the best Joke in the UK

(its short buthilarious)
One very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way throughthe entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice Children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest isseven.

Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think theylook alike, you c**khead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, " but I just can't believe anyonewould actually f**k you twice!"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Kind of Like this One...

Musa leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Musa, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly
they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that
wasn't an ELECTRIC FENCE!!"

Friday, March 21, 2008

Just For Laughes

Q: What is the similarity between Ah Neh and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't
come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I
have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters
the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed
his clothes.
All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Just for Laughes

Manmohan Singh and Bush:

Manmohan Singh and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen? and Manmohan, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Manmohan turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would Worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"